The Dishwasher Diaries-Small Wins, Big Shifts

This blog post is a transcript of a FB video I posted on the Trauma Informed Parenting support group on 8th of April 2023 and subsequent updates on this post.

So on my way out the door today, overwhelmed with all the housework and all the things that always seem to fall to me, I was struggling to find a way to ask for help that doesn’t sound like I’m putting pressure on people. I find that when I try to ask for help, it can sound very blaming—it sounds like everyone is under attack, and it’s hard to navigate that.

So, as I was heading out the door with my No. 1 (Autistic) daughter to her sports club, I suggested to my No. 2 daughter that she could maybe do the dishwasher for me. I instantly realised I hadn’t said it the right way, so I said, “I’m really sorry, that didn’t come out the right way. Let me rephrase that.” Then I said, “It would really help me out and give me less to do if you could do the dishwasher.”

I was kind of half-laughing, knowing she probably wouldn’t do it.

No. 1 daughter, who we suspect is Pathological Demand Avoidant, instantly said, “I’ll do it for you when we come back from basketball.” That’s what happens when I don’t give her a direct instruction and instead give it to someone else—she then wants to do it.

Her sister jumped in and said, “Well, how about I do the top of the dishwasher and you do the bottom?” They had a little discussion about how to divide it, and as we talked, it became clear that my No. 2 daughter doesn’t like doing the cutlery—that’s the part she really hates. (Turns out, after more reflection with her, that this is due to sensory issues, the sound of the cutlery scraping together is torture for her)

I said to her, “So that’s why you hate the dishwasher—because you don’t like doing the cutlery?” And she said, “Yeah.” I was surprised and said, “Well, I don’t mind doing the cutlery. If, from now on, you can just do the rest of the dishwasher and leave the cutlery for me, just set it up on the kitchen—I’ll come home happily and do the cutlery.”

Then she said, “But it’s okay, Mum, because we’re going to do it together—one half each.” But we’ve now agreed that on other occasions, she’s happy to do the dishwasher and I’m happy to do the cutlery.

But how have we been having this conversation (more like an argument) for years and never discovered that it’s only the cutlery that’s the problem?

That’s the power of changing the way you say things—entering these conversations from a different lens. Instead of seeing it as my child not wanting to do it or choosing not to, I now see that there is always something else underneath.

It’s these small wins, every day, that still take my breath away. I didn’t know this for so many years and had been living in such a different way. The difference this new perspective makes is that we can change how we approach these conversations and have better outcomes.

⸻

13th April 2023

Success!! Came home to dishwasher done—minus cutlery 👍🏻👍🏻

⸻

14th September 2023

Just had to offer this update on Dishwasher-gate.

Since this post in April, my daughters have occasionally both been doing the dishwasher with some gentle prompting—usually involving me asking (without pressure) if they get a chance, could they perhaps help me out and do it? They were even both doing the cutlery!

But tonight, we came home from taking Daughter No. 1 to swimming training. We’d left the dishwasher and all the dishes in the sink as we were rushing out, thinking, ‘I’ll just leave it till tomorrow.’

I didn’t even ask Daughter No. 2, as she’d had a stressful day at work and had already recently done it.

After being home for a while, she said,

“Did you look in the sink?”

She’d only gone and done the lot—cutlery and dirty dishes all put away. I didn’t even have to ask. Just wow. Pure joy. A big fuss was made of her.

It may be a small win, but it feels momentous to me. ❤️

⸻

8th April 2024

Just had to post a quick update on Dishwasher-gate.

We came home after a night away, and my daughter had emptied the dishwasher and taken out the bins—without being asked. 🫨

Today she happily did the weekly shop for me while I was at work.

Hang in there, guys. There is hope. ❤️