Getting It Wrong Until We Get It Right

My daughter has been picking her eyebrows. Then she moved on to her hair. She has always been a skin picker, on and off, depending on her stress levels, but this was a new behaviour. It was communicating to me that she is struggling.

It’s no big surprise. We have experienced some big losses in our lives this year. Grief is so hard for her to express or even understand. She didn’t cry. She just got on with things. But grief always finds a way out — and this is one of the ways it’s showing up for her.

I wanted to find ways to help her pick that were safe, so I ordered some picky pads on Amazon. She loved them… but went through them all in one night. I could see this was going to become an expensive habit.

After some Google searching, I discovered we could make these ourselves. I like a challenge, so I ordered a kit and various types of beads and trinkets to put into the picky pads.

The first batch, I hadn’t mixed the two parts of the silicone enough, so it didn’t fully set. It looked good but was completely useless. It went in the bin.

The second batch set, but they were too thick, which made them hard to pick. We learned that she finds tiny beads too difficult and prefers slightly bigger pieces. After some picking, they also went in the bin.

The third batch used small pieces with little holes, like buttons — but the silicone formed inside the holes and created a vice-like string holding them in place. Again, they ended up in the bin.

I felt like giving up at this stage, but we were still ordering picky pads online and I was determined to figure this out.

The fourth batch — I didn’t put enough Vaseline in the moulds, so they were hard to remove. They were usable, but not pretty. At this point, I really was close to giving up. But I decided to try one last time.

The fifth time, they were just right. The perfect size. Easy to pick, but firm enough to meet the need for picking. I felt much more confident this time — quicker at doing it and making far less mess.

I’m struck by how similar this is to applying a trauma-informed approach. It’s very new and different. We are going to try. We are going to get it wrong. We will feel unsure. It will get messy. But we learn something every time.

Sometimes we will feel like giving up. But if we keep learning and trying again, we will get it right eventually.

In between all of this, my daughter’s eyebrows grew back many times — and then the stress rose again and she pulled them out once more. The picky pads help, but this is going to happen sometimes.

And that’s okay.

Healing isn’t linear. Regulation comes and goes. Behaviours aren’t problems to fix — they’re messages to listen to. What matters most is that she feels supported, understood, and safe enough to struggle.

Just like those picky pads, trauma-informed parenting is about staying curious, not perfect. Trying again. Adjusting. Learning together. And holding compassion — for our children and for ourselves — when things don’t go to plan.

Because sometimes, doing it imperfectly is exactly what our children need.